Lottery Fever! (Cough) Ten Ways to Spend the Cash…

Everybody has roughly the same pipe-dream when it comes to winning the lottery–cars, houses, family, vacations, and luxury. Crunchyface might also add vengeance upon one’s enemies. But with so much money being offered up by the lottery gods, can’t we afford to be a little bit more creative?
 
Ten Creative Things to Do with Your New-Found Wealth:
 
1) Buy the Skittles company and immediately dissolve it, so that the world won’t feel so justifiably threatened, when a black guy is carrying a bag of this lethal treat.
 
 
2) Use the money to find God. The best way to do this (since cash is now no object) is to have a tortilla press going 24 hours a day, in hopes that the Virgin Mary will eventually find her way onto one of your thousands of burritos. 
 
 
God is delicious as a quesadilla too!
 
3) Instead of a belt or paddle, beat your child with a jeweled scepter, or priceless fossil (but make sure not to damage the priceless fossil–it’s priceless after all). 
 
4) Have a lake drained and refilled with oil. This may seem gross, but it’s necessary in order to keep alive the robot fish you’re going to stock your oil-lake with. And don’t smoke near the lake.
 
 
5) Pay to have a sequel made for a movie that most people think is sequel-proof.
 
 
6) Hire U2 to play at a big party celebrating the fact that on that day, everybody attending, is going to get to throw something at U2.
 
 
“Was ‘at a rock?”
 
“Hell yes, Bono.”
 
7) Build your own private army and declare war upon fat people wearing inappropriate clothing. 
 
 
Don’t ask her if she’s gonna finish those fries.
 
8) Send a very public message to corporate America about what really matters. Buy every ticket to every Hunger Games showing this weekend, and then fill the seats with the hungry children of the world. For extra irony/impact, don’t give them popcorn.
 
9) What don’t you ever see anymore? Drawbridges. Remedy that.
 
 
I can tell that this kid knows what’s up.
 
10) Should you become a Scientologist, this kind of cash will buy you a week with Tom Cruise, a year with Kirstie Alley, or Juliette Lewis (below). 
 
It’s trying to tell you to change the mousetrap inside it, sweetie.
 
 

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