The gays have a had a rough time of it over the last few days, what with North Carolina shitting on them, and John Travolta’s apparent inability to get a happy ending. So Crunchyface has decided to provide a little cheer. The fact is, homosexuals in this country have a lot to feel good about.
I Fear North Carolina Has Awakened A Sleeping Travolta…Ten Real Reasons Gays Rule the Universe
Ten Reasons Gays Rule!
1) Pretty much every animal is gay. The birds that wake you in the morning–gay, the delicious fish you ate last night–gay. Your dog, looking up at you, admiring you–gay. Imagine if the gays could somehow communicate with even a small percentage of the animal kingdom. They could destroy us all.
“How can you you fault me for loving who I wish?”
2) For whatever reason, a very large percentage of our nation’s meteorologists are gay. Analysis: They control the weather.
What causes rainbows? Oh, that’s right. Weather.
3) Though Newsweek would love to anoint Obama the First Gay President, there has already been a gay president. His name was James Buchanan, and he was the president right before Lincoln. History books describe him as a lifelong “bachelor,” but everybody pretty much knew what was up.
“On his inauguration day, Mr. Lincoln looked over at his wife Mary Todd’s widening buttocks, then back over to me. ‘I envy you, sir,’ was all he could muster…”–James Buchanan, 15th President of the United States
4) The states that have made a point of amending their constitutions to ban same-sex marriage, are almost exactly the same group of states that formed the Confederate States of America (North Carolina was also the last state to secede from the union). Lookin’ good guys!
“Thank you, Crunchyface.”–John Edwards, Former North Carolina Senator and Perfect Example of the Carolina Family Values that Homosexuality Undermines
5) Who’s sold nearly 75 million albums, won countless Teen Choice, People’s Choice, Blockbuster, and MTV Music Video awards, is a best selling author, danced with the stars, and was almost a Russian cosmonaut?
Lance motherf-ing Bass.
6) Hammurabi’s Code, one of the oldest deciphered writings in the world (1700 BC), and one of the first examples of codified law that introduced ideas such as evidence, and presumption of innocence, makes specific mention of the rights of lesbians, and grants them the right to marry other women. History is on the side of the gays. And since the code also famously declared an “eye for an eye,” lesbians in North Carolina should just feel free to strip away the right of marriage from any straight woman they see on the street.
“Lesbians, lesbians, I love lesbians.”
7) Alan Turing, the father of computer science, was gay. He also helped crack the Enigma code, significantly contributing to the defeat of the Germans in World War II. Without a homosexual, you might be a laptop-less Nazi right now, listening to David Hasselhoff, and wishing a gay guy had come along to save your ass.
“That’s not fair, pal…”
I’m not your “pal,” Hasselhoff.
8) A gay man has the power of being able to appraise a woman with perfect honesty, without being psychologically forced to factor in her looks and sexuality. The Journal of Experimental Psychology has proven that even the most evolved heterosexual man’s blood pressure increases, and cognitive function decreases, in the presence of an attractive woman. This does not occur with women and gay men.
The problem is, if a gay guy told a straight guy that she were really an ax murder, he wouldn’t care.
9) All of the worst criminals and fiends in history (with the exception of a few serial killers and Roman emperors) were straight guys. Hitler–straight. Vlad the Impaler–straight. Ivan the Terrible–straight. On the other hand, gays are often advocates for peace…until you cross them. Then watch out.
10) Gayness = Godliness. Since we all know that the powerful Greek gods were gay (Zeus, Heracles, Apollo), are we really sure about today’s monotheistic God? He’s single and lives alone, up in heaven, is probably wearing a cool, fashionable white robe of some kind…
“I keep giving this guy gout, but he still thinks he speaks for me. It’s time to smite his butthole.”–God