Daily Words of Wisdom by Keanu Reeves…And Other Rejected iPhone Apps

Surprisingly, your major phone companies–your Apples and Samsungs and such–don’t always allow licensing for just any app. If the app is deemed “offensive” or “dangerous,” it may never see your phone. The following list represents ten apps invented by Crunchyface, yet cruelly rejected by the aforementioned companies, for no good reason.

 

Ten Rejected Apps:

 

1) Special Delivery–Let’s say you head to the Special Olympics to proudly compete, only to be told upon arrival that your disability is not debilitating enough–in effect that you’re not “special” enough.  Simply activate this app on your iPhone, and the circuits of the device will radically overheat, resulting in an explosion large enough to eliminate up to three fingers of your choice.  You will now be completely eligible for the Special Olympics.

 

2) STD Detector–Similar to the bar code scanner app.

 

3) Times 12–This app will, instantly, and with no objection, complication, or remorse, multiply any number by 12.  Any number at all.  By 12.

 

4) Saved by the App–This delightful little dalliance gives you constant real-time updates for the world’s most beloved fictional band: Saved by the Bell’s Zack Attack.  Is Screech going solo?  Will the new single, “Poor Girl (Oh, Kapowski)” climb the charts?  And what will happen to the band in light of Zack’s recent meth addition?

 

 

 

5) Naked Pictures of U.S. Presidents–Self explanatory.  For people riding the subway who are struck with sudden desire to see a boudoir photo of Calvin Coolidge.

 

 

“The Gipper” is one of the many selections.

 

6) Gordon Ramsey’s Cell Phone Nightmare–Gordon Ramsey visits your phone and criticizes your contacts, settings, pictures and apps.

 

“The brightness of your screen is going to KILL SOMEBODY!”

 

7) The Grammarian–Should you mispronounce or misuse a word while holding your phone, a low level electric shock will stop you from making the same mistake twice.  The intensity of the shock is increased for some words, such as “birfday,” or “libary.” You will nearly be electrocuted should you say “ammonia,” in place of “pneumonia.” Pronouncing the “T” in “often,” could have dire consequences.

 

8) Facebook Baby–This application will compile the mundane baby updates from your friends on Facebook, and make them into books that can be given as gifts, or donated to the government for use during Guantanamo Bay interrogation sessions.

 

9) Crunchyface–Perfect for determining the worth of any object or human, based solely upon one or two defining characteristics. Great for people who can’t be bothered to meet someone before they judge them.

 

amy's nemesis

Crunchyface mascot

 

10) Girlfriend/Boyfriend Mute Button–After having discreetly inserted a small chip under the skin of your significant other, the phone can then be used as a modified remote control, with “mute” as its primary function.

 

 

Copyright Warning:  If anyone is interested in actually creating any of these apps, be aware that they are the sole intellectual property of Crunchyface. 

 

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