Board Games the Movie!

It feels like filmmakers and producers are now taking any person or brand with name recognition, and fashioning it into a slap-dash entertainment.  There is no risk anymore-producers are selling the name before the art is even created. Since the name is the insurance policy, the show doesn’t really have to be good.  Indeed, if it isn’t, that’s ok. The producers are banking on your memory of how good the person or brand originally was. 

 

After using every conceivable comic book character, and live action-ing every cartoon ever drawn, producers really only have one form of entertainment ripe for adaptation: Board Games.  Yeah, there was a Clue movie, but that’s an obvious one.  There are still many games ripe for film.

 

5 Board Games That Should Be Filmed

(with sample dialogue)

 

1) Monopoly–A Wall Street type film, where action-packed high finance is mixed with the very human drama of an elderly tycoon and his wife, struggling to hang on to their properties.

 

“Monopoly.  Where Parking Is Never Free.”

 

MRS. MONOPOLY:  I’m leaving you, Irving.

MR. MONOPOLY:  Why you money-grubbing…

MRS. MONOPOLY:  (cutting him off) The banker has foreclosed on the hotel! We’ve already lost the condo on Park Place!

MR. MONOPOLY:  But…

MRS MONOPOLY:  You’re forcing us to rent a flat on Baltic…

MR. MONOPOLY:  I still own the B and O.

MRS MONOPOLY: We can’t live in a train station, Irving, and no matter what kind of gift you choose to bring me this week–a sports car, a thoroughbred, a luxury cruise, a goddamn new little doggie–I’m still leaving you.  For god sake Irving, you’re going to jail.  Directly.  To jail.

MR. MONOPOLY:  If my gifts aren’t good enough, then maybe you’ll appreciate what I brought you today. (He shows her)

MRS. MONOPOLY: A thimble? An iron?

MR. MONOPOLY: You’re future.  You might have been a ten dollar beauty contest runner-up a long time ago babe, but now you’re just a luxury tax I refuse to pay.

 

2) Jenga–A mob story about the corruption of a once proud union by an aging crime lord, with very peculiar tastes.

“How Is It Still Standing? Gravity. Luck. JENGA.”

INSPECTOR:  Hi, I’m an inspector with the city. (Shows ID)

FOREMAN: Yes Sir, I’m the Foreman. How can I help you?

INSPECTOR:  I can count at least 275 violations–just standing here and looking up–for the Jenga Corporation.

FOREMAN:  Sir?

INSPECTOR:  Well, the biggest problem seems to be that much is missing– entire floors are missing in fact…

FOREMAN:  Well, the building’s still standing, isn’t it Sir?

INSPECTOR: That’s hardly the point.  Do I even need mention the complete lack of nails, rivets, bolts, and screws on this building?

FOREMAN:  Maybe this (hands him an envelope) will help you see all the nails.

INSPECTOR:  (Thumbing through the money) Maybe.

 

3) Candyland–A period piece.  A sovereign has been kidnapped, and though the country has just become free, the king is still an important figurehead for the people.  How will the new arrivals to power reconcile themselves to save the last symbol of the lost regime.

 

“Candyland.  Sweet Liberty? Or Sour Grapes.”

PRIME MINISTER:  I will now answer questions from those distinguished members of the press corp.  I will try and be brief and succinct, but please remember, chaps, that this has just occurred, and we are still learning new information by the hour.

JOURNALIST 1: Gum Smackly, Chocolate Chronicle–As the highest ranking elected official of Candyland, have you heard any demands yet? Has Mr Mint been questioned?

PRIME MINISTER:  We all know that Mint is in prison, and though his influence may still reach…

JOURNALIST 2: (Interrupting) Prime Minister, people are saying you’ve been seen consulting with  Gramma Nutt..

PRIME MINISTER:  That is hogwash, I…

JOURNALIST 3:  (Interrupting) Prime Minister, Will Pucker here, Tart Herald, can you guarantee the safety of Lord Licorice?

PRIME MINISTER: (Suddenly calm) My good Sir, in Candyland…I can guarantee the safety of no one.

4) Hungry Hungry Hippos–A modern war story of soldiers captured behind enemy lines against mad terrorists bent on having their way.  Graphic scenes depict the true horrors of combat.

“The 92nd Airborne Were Ready For Bullets, Bombs, and Brutality.  What They Weren’t Ready For…Were Hungry…Hungry…Hippos”

KALID:  Aziz, explain the four Malawian hippos you have chained up in the gymnasium…

AZIZ: Yes Sir.  When the Americans fall into our trap, that is where we will interrogate them.

KALID:  But the beasts look terrible..emaciated..

AZIZ:  They are hungry hippos.

KALID:  Hungry…?

AZIZ: Hungry Hippos.

(They laugh together)

KALID: Aziz, perhaps you are not the dunce I though you were.

AZIZ: Thank you Sir.

5) Operation–A medical drama.  An alcoholic begs for one more chance.  Will the doctors tell him it’s too late?

“Operation: Sometimes A Steady Hand Is Not Enough”

NIKKI:  What are his chances Doctor?  How is my poor Sam?

DOCTOR: Your poor Sam?  Ma’am, do you know the condition your husband is in?  The alcoholism has done more than light up your husband’s nose like a reindeer. It’s created a dementia that may account for some of the things we found during his surgery.

NIKKI:  Well, I never…

DOCTOR:  I’ve heard enough from you.  You are the classic enabler, and your husband is probably going to die because of your lack of action.

NIKKI:  What? I…

DOCTOR:  We found a wrench in his ankle. Did you know that?

NIKKI:  Well, he said he stepped on something…

DOCTOR: (Building in anger) The larvae of 16 butterflies was found in his stomach…

NIKKI:  He said it was beef stew…!

DOCTOR: (Angrier still) Did you know that there was an actual unchewed undigested apple lodged in his throat?

NIKKI:  Noooooooooo! (Crying) God, no!  What…can we do…to save him….?

DOCTOR: We will continue to take all of these poisons out of his body. You…can go to hell.

NOTE: After writing this feature, I discovered that there are actually plans to make both a Monopoly and Candyland movie.  Sufficed to say, I was flabbergasted.  If the producers have any sense, they will use my above examples.  Frankly, I think Jenga has the most possibilities anyway.

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