Five Sequels that Should Have Been Made

Crunchy. does not mind film sequels.  That said, he does mind a sequel for a film that was weak to begin with (Bad Boys, Tron, Resident Evil), or a sequel made unnecessarily (Speed, Clerks, American Pie).  Producers make sequels for films we’ve lost interest in, while depriving us of the sequels we desire.  Without question, there are still some films that scream out to be advanced and continued in the form of a sequel, and Hollywood has ignored them.   Crunchyface won’t.  

 

 

Five Sequels That Should Have Been Made

 

 

1) Aladdin 2: The Search for Genie’s Lamp

 

Note: Crunchy does not consider the two follow-up movies to be true sequels, especially since one of them does not have Robin Williams, and they were released directly to video, and Crunchy forgot about them until after writing the brilliant dialogue below.

 

The Genie enters the great throne room where the new Sultan, Aladdin, is holding court.

 

ALADDIN: (With little enthusiasm) Oh, hi Genie.

GENIE: (Over-the-top, as always) Hey Al, whatcha doin?  Wanna hang out, maybe take in a camel race? (Poof, he turns into a camel standing upright, with a British accent) I’m always in the mood for a race, but first some tea, how many humps do you want? (Poof, he turns into Ed Sullivan) We have really great show for you–the Sultan, a Genie, and ten angry camels. (Poof, he turns into an effeminate fashion designer, Abu turns into the camel he’s standing in front of, measuring) I know the summers are hot in the desert, but saddles are out this year. For the big race, how about something that breaths. (An absurd outfit appears on the camel/Abu who does a take to the camera. Poof, the Genie turns into a stereotypical old school rapper with lots of gold and sunglasses, and an overdone black accent) Yo man, why it always gotta be about race? Please camel don’t hurt em’. (Poof, he’s Jack Nicholson) We could use a camel for the Lakers, it’s playoff time…

ALADDIN: Enough.  Genie, I know you have a lot of time to kill now that you’ve been freed, but in case you haven’t noticed, I have a kingdom to run here.  Jasmine’s pregnant again, and we’re facing barbarian invaders from the west…

GENIE: (Poof, he’s Arnold Schwarzenegger with full accent) I am Genie the Barbarian…

ALADDIN: (Very angry now) Just stop it! Every day, a song and a dance. It’s exhausting.  I don’t even know who the hell these people you’re pretending to be, are!  And I’d stop turning into the gay guy, because the Koran forbids it.

 

(Through gritted teeth) “No, Genie we do not want to see a movie with you.  Can’t you see that I’m not wearing pants?”  

 

2) Shanked: The Shawshank Redemption Part 2

 

The opening of the movie, with Red picking up the narration where he left off. The scene he’s describing is being shown without sound as Red speaks. 

 

RED: In 1970, Andy was captured by the Federales and returned to Shawshank Prison.  There was a gun battle on the beach in–I’ll never forget the name–Zihuatanejo, and I was hit in the leg before Andy jumped into the ocean.  The Pacific. Water so blue it can wash away your memories and baptize you as a new man. I hoped my friend would escape.  I hoped he would swim to off to China, the sun on his back, and a smile on his face.  I hoped the ocean would recognize a kindred soul, and provide him shelter. I hoped.  Unfortunately, the speedboat grabbed him about a hundred yards from shore.

 

3)  Forrest Gump Jr: Totally Gumped

 

Lieutenant Dan and Forrest Gump Jr. look down on an elderly, sleeping Forrest Gump.

 

LT DAN: I don’t know how it coulda’ come to this.  This surely was not Gump’s destiny.

GUMP JR: The last few years have been hard on him, and when Dad accidentally hit President Bush…

LT DAN: That bastard…

GUMP JR: …During the photo op, he never really recovered.  You saw the President’s face.

LT DAN: Who didn’t?

GUMP JR: The paddle left a welt on Bush’s face for two weeks. I’m not even sure if we can afford to keep Dad here.

LT DAN: How is that possible?  All the Apple stock…

GUMP JR: Gone. When the tech bubble burst, he lost everything.

LT DAN: But the shrimp buyout…

GUMP JR: He used it all on his harmonica tour.  I told him not to…

LT DAN: How do you say no to a Medal of Honor winner, Olympic Medalist, running phenom, and one of the most successful businessmen in the US of A?  I mean, the man met every pres…

GUMP JR: I know, Uncle Dan. People remind me of his resume every day of my life.  But I know something else too.

LT DAN: Let’s hear it.

GUMP JR: (Whispering) Dad couldn’t play the harmonica because Dad is retarded, Dan.  I think you forget that sometimes. (Forrest stirs and speaks, only half awake)

FORREST: Life is like a box of chocolates…(He falls back asleep)

GUMP JR: God, kill me.

LT DAN: I never did understand that. On the back of the lid there’s a diagram of which chocolate’s which…

 

4) Field of Dreams 2: The Nightmare Begins

 

Ray runs into the kitchen from the fields outside.

 

RAY: Annie, you’ll never believe what just happened!

ANNIE: A voice told you to build something.

RAY: A voice told me to…wait, how did you know?

ANNIE: Sweetheart, when the voice told you to build the baseball field, that was fine.  You met your dead father and Shoeless Joe Jackson.  Then all the cars came and the voice told you to build a parking lot. A pretty good idea actually.

RAY:  And I met…

ANNIE: George Washington Carver. I still don’t get that one.  Then the voice told you that if you built a giant waterslide he would come, so you did. And met…?

RAY: Jim Morrison.

ANNIE: Ok, he died in a bathtub. Makes sense. But then…

RAY: The wrestling ring.

ANNIE:  For Andre the Giant!  I…

RAY: Look Annie, this is different. I need to do this..

ANNIE: The money from the baseball games is drying up! How can we…?

RAY: Honey, the voice told me to build a giant trampoline.

ANNIE: Oh God…

RAY: I need to get started. Oh, and Andre wants three more cheeseburgers.

  

 

5) School of Rock Part 2: Career in Rock

 

Zack, original guitarist of the band School of Rock, enters the School of Rock building. He’s emaciated and sick-looking. Dewy Finn jumps up excitedly to great him.

 

DEWY: Zack Attack! How ya been, man? Still rockin’ clubs down to their very foundations? (Big goofy gesture/kick/flourish)

ZACK: Dewy, sorry to bother you man, but can I borrow five or ten bucks?

DEWY: Sure Zack, but..what’s goin’ on man?  Isn’t rock and roll…

ZACK: Dewey, don’t start.  I just need the money for…food.  Please.

DEWY: Well I got food upstairs brother-man…

ZACK: Damnit Dewy, why are you making this so hard?

DEWY:  You’re back on the smack, Zack.  Isn’t that a fact?

ZACK: It’s not a joke, Dewy…

DEWY: C’mon man, that stuff killed some of the best players–Hendrix…

ZACK: It’s not all about music, Dewy!  You told me to follow this dream because I had real talent, and I did–I got a degree and played in London.  Toured Germany.  And look at me!  Why couldn’t you have told me to a least get a teaching degree?  But no. I just had to be a musician.  Well, I am.  I am, and I have you to thank, Dewy. (He coughs)  Just give me the money Dewy or let me leave.  You tubby bastard…

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