When it comes to Academy Award nominees and winners, Hollywood has made some notable mistakes over the years so sayeth Crunchy. Lost In Translation was dull and repetitive and any insight gleaned from two Americans getting drunk in Japan, while sort of half-talking about their lamentable lives, was lost on me. American Beauty is one of the most overrated films of all time. With a completely common, almost by-the-book depiction of mid-life crisis, and a shocker ending that was painfully overstated and predictable, it was only Kevin Spacey that made the film even watchable. Just like an iceberg made the movie for this week’s Refusing To Suspend My Disbelief, just barely watchable. The problem is that the love story between the two main characters is utterly false, and causes them to do unreasonable things, while preventing them from doing obvious things. And it’s such sentimental goo anyway.
Refusing to Suspend My Disbelief: Titanic
1) Jack Drowns, Rose is a Moron–Lets start from the end, as this scene has always perturbed me, so much that I’ve mentioned it in a previous feature. Indeed, the Internet agrees with me, and multiple memes have been made illustrating the logistical solutions in this scene. The Mythbusters even tackled this.
But indulge me. And let’s look at the psychology instead. Fact: Rose selfishly lets Jack die, as she sits atop the wall panel that Jack clings to. Maybe it can’t support both of their weights… so why not take turns? Or come up with something, if the mere act of sitting atop an object is enough to prevent you from dying. Come to think of it, why didn’t everybody do that–surely there were many floating objects around? C’mon Jack, you tramp, through the whole movie you’ve proven yourself to be such a sharp, quick-thinking, free young dynamo, what have you got for us here? With your life on the line? Is it really so romantic to martyr yourself for a girl you just met? And Rose is such a dummy. Once she sees the lifeboat coming, she excitedly tells the corpse of Jack that they’re saved. Uh, Rose, Jack hasn’t said anything for a while has he? And hasn’t he been babbling since he met you? And wouldn’t a woman so in love demand to go down with her lover, especially if she was ready to commit suicide the day before anyway?
2) They Screw in A Car while Being Chased by Cal’s Bodyguard–I can almost come to grips with the concept that in the middle of being chased by Cal’s bodyguard, these two dolts decide to have intercourse. This is common in any action movie. The love interests get romantic during the most trying, dangerous, and inopportune moments of their lives. But I cannot believe that in the middle of the beautiful expansive ocean, aboard the most luxurious boat ever built (featuring hundreds of cabins with beds in the lower quarters), that these two young people would pick a car for their first sex romp. I mean, at this point Jack hasn’t even been framed for stealing the necklace. Her sex-hand against that steamy window looks like a shot from some virgin’s film school project. And don’t give me spontaneity. Once it got hot and heavy, they could have moved–she would have made him move, despite her new found freedom. Remember, she’s a debutante, and he’s used to sleeping under stars. Historically, teenagers don’t enjoy doing it in cars, they just have no place else to go.
3) Old Rose Drops the Necklace Overboard–You’ve got to be kidding me. Director James Cameron was looking for a sentimental finish, and he creates one that is utterly bogus. This only makes sense if Rose is senile, which she is not. But I can tell you one thing. She’s terribly selfish. Would this nice old lady really stick it to all these people who have put their own money, time, passions, and dreams on the line? Especially if she senses she’s going to die anyway? Why would the necklace need to return to Titanic? The necklace symbolizes Jack and their love, not the ship. And you know Jack’s underwater spirit could care less about a hulking piece of gaudy jewelry. You betrayed all these people, Rose. If I can’t trust you about the necklace, why should I believe you about anything else? Also, with all the sensitive underwater monitoring equipment, wouldn’t someone detect the very thing they’ve been looking for, falling from the boat, or suddenly coming to rest on top of the wreckage or sea floor? Rose is a muderer and liar. I rooted for Billy Zane throughout the film.