The Goonies was on just recently, and in viewing it for the 847th time, it is clear that there has never been a more implausable movie. For years Crunchy has wanted to write a book on movies just like the Goonies, called Refusing to Suspend My Disbelief. In this book, I’d highlight not blooper or continuity mistakes, which can be found on any number of web sites, but rather, errors in logic and common sense, regarding plot and character, that could easily have been corrected should anyone have cared.
Let me say that I understand that many movies are simply entertainments that often don’t make sense. I appreciate that, but certain movies cause me to…refuse to suspend my disbelief, genre notwithstanding. Let me also add that I love the Goonies, and it is only because I love certain movies, that I feel comfortable ridiculing them.
Refusing to Suspend My Disbelief: The Goonies
1) How is it that Mouth can effortlessly translate ancient Spanish (using a bad Spanish accent when he reads off the map), but later has trouble understanding “No sign” when Rosalita finds the jewels in the marble bag.
2) Speaking of those jewels…are ten to fifteen assorted gems really worth the value of all the homes on the goon docks? Aren’t these waterfront homes, since the neighborhood is known as the “Goon DOCKS”? Who says they get to keep the rubies anyhow? I mean, ultimately they’d need to tow that pirate ship, (that’s steering itself), back to shore right? I’d imagine a long court battle over the rights to the treasure would occur. In addition, Chester Copperpot’s heirs may have some claim since his map was used.
3) Historically, coastlines are mapped meticulously, but no one found a cavern right on the water, big enough to hold a pirate ship? Didn’t they extensively survey and map the entire area in preparation for the golf course? Water drains in from the waterslides, so there must be some kind of outlet to the ocean. Nobody ever found that?
4) O.k. so the Moss Garden Wishing Well exists, and clearly needs maintenance from time to time, but no one has ever thought to follow the path at the bottom of the well? Also, Troy never looks down when he thinks he’s pulling up Andy, before he sees that it’s just his jacket and a bucket of coins? Which could never have been made heavy enough to approximate her weight! Troy is an interesting guy–at the tennis club he seems to be shitting with his underwear on–but now I’m just being nit-picky.
Look what this guy has done to himself. And this is a good picture.
5) When Mouth lets the air out of Brandon’s bike tires, wow. First of all, he just unscrews the cap without depressing the valve to release the air. Mikey says the bike is Bran’s most favorite thing in the world (!) and that he mowed lawns to buy those tires. Brandon then goes crazy when he sees what Mouth has done. Hey Bran, why not just go fill the tires? And how many lawns could you really have mowed for two bicycle tires? I mean, even in the early 80s bicycle tires were not expensive. Hell, you could patch them yourself for ten bucks. And doesn’t Bran have any friends that drive? Was stealing a young girl’s bike really the best choice for him?
The movie conveniently ignores the fact that Troy attempts to murder Brandon here.