Stallone Thinks He’s Jesus and Here’s the Proof!

A few days ago, Crunchyface tackled the government shutdown. Today’s subject matter is equally serious.

Sylvester Stallone Thinks He’s Jesus Christ…


stallone jesus rocky

The first picture is iconic and may symbolize victory more so than sacrifice, but the glow of the city (and by extension his people) behind Rocky, is slightly ethereal–and it’s early in Sly’s career, after all. By Rocky 4, however, we have the outstretched arms, the slightly tilted and raised head, and the mouth and face contorting in pain. The flag behind Rocky is simply icing on the cake, since as we all know, most non-Americans (Russians!) are heathens. 

stallone j rambo

Note the long Jesus hair, and the sheen around his head–reminiscent of a crown.

Over the Top

stallone j overthe top

The first pic may just be Stallone stretching with his son in the film (one of the worst kid performances in history), but again, that divine backlight that he’s bathed in, is questionable. And even though the bird in the background of the promotional shot is supposed to be a hawk (like the character’s name), the way it’s framed behind Stallone looks positively angelic.

Tango and Cash

stallone j tango and cash

Jesus head-tilt in effect when being tortured at the prison.



stallone j oscar

This shot shows two of Stallone’s disciples keeling before their Lord. Being Jesus is an actual motif in this film. Stallone purposely does a Christ-like pose after an argument with his wife. Check out the below video of the entire film, and try to find it–ok, ok, I won’t make you watch the whole thing. Skip to the 45:31 mark.

stallone j cliff
“Yo, why has thou forsaken me?”
Judge Dredd

stallone j dred

While being tortured by the cannibal family, we finally see the true face of this “judge.”
Expendables 2

The studio confirmed my suspicions when it released this promotional poster last year.

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