This week, while the country was busy condemning deep-fried racist Paula Deen, the rest of the celebrity chef community was breathing a sigh of relief. So many of these hash-slingers have skeletons in the closet, and secrets that over the years have been kept under (whole grain) wraps by the food “establishment”–a group almost mafia-like in it’s secrecy.
But now, the lid is off of the pot. Crunchyface feels the need to set the record straight on ALL the celebrity chefs, and let me tell you, some of this shit tastes foul.
Ten Celebrity Chef Secrets–REVEALED!
1) Rachael Ray–Has been concealing the fact that many of her recipes are inspired by her grandfather, James Earl Ray, the man who assassinated Martin Luther King Jr.
2) Guy Fieri–On weekends, this nacho gourmand dresses up in full drag, and becomes a completely different celebrity chef.
Anne Burrell? Or is it “Gal” Fieri?
3) Mario Batali–His fatness comes from the fact that he’s concealing the souls of under-tipped waiters beneath his chef’s jacket, like the Ghost of Christmas Present in the Dickens classic.
4) Emeril Lagasse–Says “Bam!” because it reminds him of a woman he shot to death in 1974.
“Cradling her lifeless head in my hands, I slowly realized that I may have cranked it up too many notches.”
5) Gordon Ramsey–The pilot of his most recent network offering, Hell’s Bathroom, was deemed too offensive to air.
“We had to buy an extra-large tub for your ass, big boy.”
6) Anthony Bourdain–Having cultivated his bad-ass image on the mean streets of both Leonia, New Jersey and Cape Cod, it would probably hurt Bourdain’s standing with his fans if they knew about his extensive My Little Pony collection.
7) “The Barefoot Contessa” (Ina Garten)–Her creepy little husband Jeffrey (often seen on the show) is only allowed out of the closet for food when the show’s being taped.
“Isn’t he cute? He hasn’t eaten in weeks.”
8) Michael Symon–This combination of “Bowzer” from Sha Na Na, and Full Metal Jacket’s “Gomer Pyle”, isn’t actually a chef at all. But hey, when the cousin of a Teamster wants to host his own cooking show…
9) “Cake Boss” (Buddy Valastro)–Has secretly expressed a desire to create a penis cake, which ultimately would just be his penis, covered in cake.
“I wish this were my penis.”
10) Martin Yan–Yan actually can’t cook. So neither can you.
“Snitches get stitches.”