Well, the summer has come and gone. There were barbecues, vacations, ballgames, and conjunctivitis. But it’s ending, folks, and thank god. You looked awful in that bathing suit.
Having taken the summer off, Crunchyface is back with a little hope for everyone. The season’s not completely over just yet. There’s still so much yet to come.
Ten Dates to Remember for the End of Summer
- Sept 9 The date in which the average temperature is officially low enough for you to leave your infant in the car while shopping for a few hours. Actually, this date may apply to your dog, and not your child—I can’t remember which.
This hero actually used his dog to break a car window…in order to save an overheating kid.
- Aug 30 The Black Lives Matter movement is planning to interrupt a Black Lives Matter rally.
- Sept 19 Halloween costumes are allowed to be sold without backlash over it being too soon to do such a thing. Apparently, selling holiday paraphernalia too early is corporate America’s way of somehow dissing the rest of the year.
“How can I be expected to enjoy Independence Day, when a Target down the street is already selling Christmas lights?”
- Sept 3 The free churro coupon from Six Flags, that you’ve been carefully guarding on your dresser since May, expires. Then no more churros for a year, my friend.
“It’s gonna be a long cold winter.”
- Aug 29 The most perfect sunset ever is scheduled to occur over an undisclosed lake or beach. It is expected to prompt everyone in attendance to declare that “Life is good.” Keep a lookout for it!
- Aug 27 Teachers are contractually allowed to begin whining about returning to the job they’ve had off of for the last two months, while the rest of us go to jobs that obnoxiously force us to attend all year.
- Sept 7 Cecil the Lion’s state funeral is expected to be held in Zimbabwe, and will be broadcast live across the globe. Dignitaries from every species in the animal kingdom are expected to attend. The Westboro Baptist Church has said they will picket the ceremony.
- Sept 1 The bacteria in the local public pool becomes self-aware.
- Sept 14 The season finale of American Ninja Warrior will air, once again giving America the impression that “ninjas” were somehow experts in the million-dollar network obstacle course, rather than murdering folks.
Exactly what I picture when I hear the word “ninja.”
- Sept 8 On FOX News, Donald Trump will confront the man that best exemplifies our need for a Mexican anti-rape wall.
Leaked footage (above) of Trump debating immigration policy with Johnny 23, from the film Con Air.