This just in: In addition to witnessing residents of Jersey City celebrating the fall of the World Trade Center, Donald Trump is now claiming to have seen a group of Smurfs high-fiving Gargamel, just after one of his ill-fated attacks on the Smurf Village.
Naturally, there’s only one person who can protect our freedoms in this country. Indeed, he’s proven in the past how effective he can be in helping to keep the peace between two warring parties.
Obviously, he’s a master of foreign affairs. And the terrorism is Paris has only allowed him to devise new, ingenious ways of protecting our nation from the murderous refugees.
The Ten Latest Ideas Donald Trump Has for our Country
1) “An even larger wall along the Canadian border protecting us from Drake. AND HE’LL PAY FOR IT!”
2) Always a careful man, Trump also promises to prevent retirees, referees, and The Fugees from entering the country.
We’re with you on this one, Trump.
3) All female Syrian refugees will now vetted according to the standards of the Donald Trump-owned Miss Universe Pageant. The process will be judged by Mario Lopez, Lisa Vanderpump, and Brett Favre.
4) Anyone buying hummus must have their fingerprints taken.
5) Waterboarding? Of course! But also purple nurples.
6) Refugees will be allowed into this county so long as they agree to help sell off the various “Trump” products the public has utterly rejected over the years.
7) All NATO jets that are being used to attack ISIS, will now be fitted with a recording of President Trump saying “You’re Fired,” to be played automatically, each time a missile is launched towards its target.
8) Refugee dress code (there will be one, obviously) MUST include the Trump Hijab.
9) He plans to make each of his wife’s tits a member of the cabinet.
10) An immediate ban on all immigrants who list their occupation as “rapist” when attempting to enter the country.